July 29, 2017 by imhavingadadday
When you have kids, you find yourself doing things you never thought you would do. In fact, a year and a half ago, if you had told me my everyday routine habits now, I would have deemed you insane and probably never listen to anything you had to say seriously ever again. I mean, how can you ever really predict it? You can’t. Whether you want to or not, kids leave you no choice. The height (oh God I hope so) of my repulsive parenting duties came one day while the little monkey and I were in the living room.
In between the seventh and eighth read of “Little Owl’s Colors”, the vibrations from beneath her diaper began. Short little bursts at first, then a little longer, then whhoooooaaaa, did that just happen? Did that just….oh no…OH NO….quick!…grab it (the child) and get to the changing table where the diapers and wipes are!!
First mistake: Unfortunately, in my rush to get to the back room, I failed to notice the extent of the damage done. I made the rookie parent mistake of picking her up like I normally do, arm under the booty. DON’T MAKE THIS MISTAKE.
So here I am, poop on my arm and shirt and god knows where else, wrestling a child who is clearly ungrateful of my free diaper-changing services. You see, our girl can’t be still. She’s never been still. The only time she isn’t moving is when she’s asleep, and even that isn’t always true…and changing history’s most horrific diaper makes this fact no different. So, the trick is to use the left hand to grab both ankles and raise them up, while using the left arm to block any and all attempts of grabby little hands towards the destroyed diaper. If you can master this task, you can use the right hand to wipe and change. Fool-proof method, no problem, done. Unless you drop the wipes. Then we have a problem.
Second mistake: I. Dropped. The. Wipes. Now, I have a dilemma–I’ve got a naked baby, caked in her own vile creation, who is flailing against me as hard as she possibly can reaching between her legs and grabbing at anything her stubby little arms can reach. I now have nothing to clean IT with, (I’ve gotten pretty good at using my monkey toes but of course the wipes would fall off and bounce juuuust out of monkey toe’s reach). The diaper is already off, so there’s really no way I can pick her up to get the wipes without getting it absolutely everywhere. So, I have to do it. As quickly as I possibly can, I have to release her legs, grab the wipes, and return to my current position. OK. Lets do this….drop the legs-grab the wipes-turn back around and grab the–NOOOOO!! Good. God. She. Is. Fast. It was everywhere. Hands…stomach…FACE. So the diaper changing effort was abandoned and she caught the first ride straight to the bath. Held at arms’ length and facing away from me, of course.
Like I said earlier, when you have kids, you find yourself doing things you never thought you would do. I’m sure many new parents go through the very same thing, but no matter what, nothing will prepare you for the trials of parenthood. Good luck to all of you out there.